It's been awhile since I posted an update so I thought it was time to let people know what's happening, or just write my thoughts out lol. My boyfriend and I are still together, for now. Things have been hard. He moved to Iowa so he's about 3 hrs away now. I haven't seen him since he left in July. We text just about every day and there's an occasional phone call here and there but we don't really talk it's more like small talk to pass the time. When ever we do have an actually conversation it's usually when we feel like we should break up or well when I feel like we should because he never seems to show any feelings. He tells me he loves me and that he misses me but after I do of course.
I was so happy and now, I doubt everything and all those 'small' things that bothered me bother me even more now.
Now it isn't anything dumb like the way he chews it's stuff like why haven't I met his parents? Why is our relationship almost a secret? Why can't I drive to his hometown to meet halfways? Why can't we seem to have an easy flowing conversation?
To be honest, I feel like I don't really know him. I know a few things but I feel like after dating for over a year I should know way more. I should know what movie he likes to watch when he isn't feeling well, all those embarrassing kid stories but honestly I don't. I mean I try whenever I see him or talk on the phone I'll ask questions and he's just like eh or I spend the whole time talking about myself or anything else. When we talk on the phone it's almost silent because I don't want to bore him and talk too much and he just replies with one word answers. It shouldn't be like this. I mean the 'I'm shy' excuse isn't an excuse anymore. So what am I doing?
I do care about him I do love him but I want to be able to talk to him, say anything and have it be okay and if there is silence it's comfortable. That's how I know someone really is my friend, when the silence is comfortable it's not this awkward silence that you're dying to fill with any noise that you say the first thing that comes out of your mouth. I guess that's one of the reasons I'd rather stay in when he vists so we're not this awkward couple that has nothing to say to each other anymore.
Is that a stupid reason to break up?
Probably not.
We do have chemistry but it doesn't seem to be that natural spark that comes on when we see each other it's like we're that gas stove that clicks, clicks when you try to turn on the flam but have to find a match to ignite it.
You know with my old high school ex, we may have not been a good match or what ever but we have chemistry when we get together or talk on the phone, it's like nothing has changed we can talk for hours about anything. Is that too much to ask for? To have that with someone?
Now even with some friends it's not like that. You have to work at the conversation but it's okay, of course, I'm not dating them.
I love my boyfriend because he treated me like a human being from the beginning and when he started to like me he said all the things every woman should hear and yeah we talked about a bunch of stuff, just through text. Now nothing. It's frustrating. I guess I can see why people cheat.
They're so settled in their relationships that they're looking for that spark, that excitement of dating someone new, how much you look forward to seeing them or talking to them, those butterflies but they love their partner too.
Dont cheat though, no one wins.
And no, I'm not cheating and don't plan to
I currently have one foot in and one foot out. Preparing for the worse.
I guess it's over right?
Monday, September 16, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
It's been awhile.
I've stopped writing because I didn't have anything new to up date. My boyfriend and I have known each other for a year and we've been a couple for more then 6 months. This has been my longest relationship & the healthiest one I've had. He make me so happy. He pulled me out of a dark place and shows me everyday how someone should love & care about me. I can say with full confidence, he is the best thing that has happened to me. Our relationship isn't perfect though he lives over an hour away and it is hard to find a time we're both available. The good thing is that we're both very honest & open with each other & our feelings. Communication is a very important part of all relationships & I'm so thankful that I have someone I can speak openly with & who can speak openly with me. I have started a new vlog about life & probably other random things. I'll update this one with past experiences & advice etc. You can read that one at loutjazzy.blogspot.com
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I should be happy...? Right?
Recently, I've been talking to someone new. We started exchanging messages about 2 months ago online. After about a week we exchanged numbers, then facebook, and finally got to meet for the first time about three weeks ago.
But...I don't feel as happy as I was at first.
Let me explain. He's a nice guy, he always says the sweetest things, and frankly, I feel like it's all really genuine. He makes me smile, makes my stomach flip all that good stuff. But there are things that I don't like..
For one, I can't post on his facebook. He tells me it's because we should keep all the mushy stuff till we're official. Next thing, he's a virgin, I know we all were once but it really makes me nervous. Not because I think "Oh the sex is going to be bad" but because I'm scared. What if I don't meet HIS standards or meet HIS expectations? Am I worthy of being HIS first? I just don't want to hurt him or let him down. It's really a lot of pressure. He also lives an hour away. I know it's not that far but it does make things difficult. Everything has to be planned ahead of time. I can't just go over and watch a movie after work because my plans fell through. The other thing is he is two years younger then I am, yes, age is just a number but he is inexperienced. How do I know this? Hm, well for one he didn't really think it was a big deal when our plans to see each other kept falling through. Why was it a big deal to me? Well, because after the third "Oh something came up" I begin to think he doesn't want to see me. Also...everything is going so much slower. We've been talking since March, it's May now, and we've seen each other...twice? Lol Usually at this time he would've been my boyfriend already but...we'll see.
Now he hasn't been the only one I've been 'talking' to.
Roscoe has been in communication with me. Now, I like him and in another world or at another time we would be great together but right now I don't think it would work. He tells me he isn't in a place in his life to have a relationship right now but if he was I'd be his girlfriend. Of course, with that being said that doesn't mean he's against us having a sexual relationship Lol, yet he's told me that he'd be commited to me if we decided to just having sex. The way I see it is that he wants his cake and to eat it to. I also think that if we just had sex and talked, etc that when he is ready for a relationship he'll think "what's the point?" because he'd already have all of the good things from a relationship without the title, so there's nothing he has to work for. Like I said, in another world or at a different time we would be good together, but right now he just needs to work on himself. It does make me a little sad too. I really did like him a lot.
My ex boyfriend also came around. He was going through a lot and came to me for comfort and we got a little too comfortable. He told me he loved me but that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He just became 'facebook official' with some girl he never told me about, a couple days ago. Haha, so much for love right?
With all that's gone on though, I feel jealous and upset with my ex. I had feelings for him, I still do, and told him and expressed that I was afraid, afraid to trust him with my 'heart' because of how things played out. Because he always seems to come to me when he 'needs' someone and when 'no one' is around yet when someone else comes around he forgets about me.
I guess it hurts because that's all i've ever been for most guys. Their second choice, their friend, their back bone. I know, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sad. Sad because someone who says that they 'love' me, really doesn't and throws me to the side, someone who tells me they care about me, really only wants one thing, and someone who says all the right things, wants to hide me.
I want someone who's happy to have me, who doesn't throw around 'love', who is proud to have me on his arm, and isn't ashamed or embarressed by me.
I know that all that I've been through and everything that's happened to me is just to make me stronger but sometimes, I just wonder when it's going to stop, when will get a break from having to me strong and just have things be good. I just wanna be happy.
But...I don't feel as happy as I was at first.
Let me explain. He's a nice guy, he always says the sweetest things, and frankly, I feel like it's all really genuine. He makes me smile, makes my stomach flip all that good stuff. But there are things that I don't like..
For one, I can't post on his facebook. He tells me it's because we should keep all the mushy stuff till we're official. Next thing, he's a virgin, I know we all were once but it really makes me nervous. Not because I think "Oh the sex is going to be bad" but because I'm scared. What if I don't meet HIS standards or meet HIS expectations? Am I worthy of being HIS first? I just don't want to hurt him or let him down. It's really a lot of pressure. He also lives an hour away. I know it's not that far but it does make things difficult. Everything has to be planned ahead of time. I can't just go over and watch a movie after work because my plans fell through. The other thing is he is two years younger then I am, yes, age is just a number but he is inexperienced. How do I know this? Hm, well for one he didn't really think it was a big deal when our plans to see each other kept falling through. Why was it a big deal to me? Well, because after the third "Oh something came up" I begin to think he doesn't want to see me. Also...everything is going so much slower. We've been talking since March, it's May now, and we've seen each other...twice? Lol Usually at this time he would've been my boyfriend already but...we'll see.
Now he hasn't been the only one I've been 'talking' to.
Roscoe has been in communication with me. Now, I like him and in another world or at another time we would be great together but right now I don't think it would work. He tells me he isn't in a place in his life to have a relationship right now but if he was I'd be his girlfriend. Of course, with that being said that doesn't mean he's against us having a sexual relationship Lol, yet he's told me that he'd be commited to me if we decided to just having sex. The way I see it is that he wants his cake and to eat it to. I also think that if we just had sex and talked, etc that when he is ready for a relationship he'll think "what's the point?" because he'd already have all of the good things from a relationship without the title, so there's nothing he has to work for. Like I said, in another world or at a different time we would be good together, but right now he just needs to work on himself. It does make me a little sad too. I really did like him a lot.
My ex boyfriend also came around. He was going through a lot and came to me for comfort and we got a little too comfortable. He told me he loved me but that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He just became 'facebook official' with some girl he never told me about, a couple days ago. Haha, so much for love right?
With all that's gone on though, I feel jealous and upset with my ex. I had feelings for him, I still do, and told him and expressed that I was afraid, afraid to trust him with my 'heart' because of how things played out. Because he always seems to come to me when he 'needs' someone and when 'no one' is around yet when someone else comes around he forgets about me.
I guess it hurts because that's all i've ever been for most guys. Their second choice, their friend, their back bone. I know, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sad. Sad because someone who says that they 'love' me, really doesn't and throws me to the side, someone who tells me they care about me, really only wants one thing, and someone who says all the right things, wants to hide me.
I want someone who's happy to have me, who doesn't throw around 'love', who is proud to have me on his arm, and isn't ashamed or embarressed by me.
I know that all that I've been through and everything that's happened to me is just to make me stronger but sometimes, I just wonder when it's going to stop, when will get a break from having to me strong and just have things be good. I just wanna be happy.
Monday, February 20, 2012
"So...you're on a date?"
Well nothing really has happened. I did have a date with a guy in early Feb and last week while I was out with a friend I ran in to him....on a date. Haha! Seriously, this is the stuff you see in movies, but sometimes my life is eventful.
Of course, him & I weren't exclusive but what makes him a douche bag is the fact that he kept stringing me along instead of being upfront. In a sense, I was his back up, and he made it clear I was. He kept telling me he was interested in me and that he wanted to hang out but yet whenever I asked him he would be busy and he never asked me to hang out. So to hell with that guy.
Roscoe and I got together again for a short reunion (I think I called him "Chris" in my last blog?). Everything was going well then I opened my mouth again. It was something small and dumb, honestly we could've gotten over it but he just didn't want to work it out or even try. An excuse really but I think that he's really just afraid. Afraid to be in a relationship again and everything that comes with that. I miss him a great deal. I never seem to have anything bad to say about him, I think that's why he's also stuck with me. He isn't a bad guy. I can't wait around for him though.
Besides those two, nothing new has really happened. Oh wait I lied.
There was one guy I was talking to online and he was really nice and sweet, we had a ton in common and whenever we had the chance we'd go online to reply to the others message. Anyways, we exchanged numbers and he added me on facebook. Then, nothing. He would respond to my text messages HOURS later and just say he was busy with school, now I went to college if I could update my facebook status I could respond to a text. The language in his texting also changed.
So like the woman I am, I called him out on it. He said "I'm so glad we met! We're gonna be such best friends!" <----------Terrible. Now to any guy who complains and says that they're only assholes because so many women put them in the friend zone, then let me tell you, I'm only a bitch because of all the guys that put me in the friend zone. Back to the subject at hand, anyways, it baffeled my mind! One day he's telling me I give him butterflies, I can come visit him whenever I want and stay in his dorm IN HIS BED WITH HIM no body tells that to someone they just like as a friend.
Honestly, I think he just wasn't attracted to me. Point blank. Of course I did say "If you're not attracted to me just tell me. Rather hear that then some BS lies." But did he come clean? NOPE! Then he felt offended because I didn't want to be his friend. Terrible. He really just wanted his cake and to eat it to huh?
Let me tell EVERYONE & ANYONE this, do NOT go on a dating site looking for friends. Why? Because it's a dating site and about 99% of the people there are looking for some thing more then friends. Wanna look for friends? Go on facebook, go anywhere in your city and you can easily make a friend like that lol.
I don't understand men. Really I don't.
Of course, him & I weren't exclusive but what makes him a douche bag is the fact that he kept stringing me along instead of being upfront. In a sense, I was his back up, and he made it clear I was. He kept telling me he was interested in me and that he wanted to hang out but yet whenever I asked him he would be busy and he never asked me to hang out. So to hell with that guy.
Roscoe and I got together again for a short reunion (I think I called him "Chris" in my last blog?). Everything was going well then I opened my mouth again. It was something small and dumb, honestly we could've gotten over it but he just didn't want to work it out or even try. An excuse really but I think that he's really just afraid. Afraid to be in a relationship again and everything that comes with that. I miss him a great deal. I never seem to have anything bad to say about him, I think that's why he's also stuck with me. He isn't a bad guy. I can't wait around for him though.
Besides those two, nothing new has really happened. Oh wait I lied.
There was one guy I was talking to online and he was really nice and sweet, we had a ton in common and whenever we had the chance we'd go online to reply to the others message. Anyways, we exchanged numbers and he added me on facebook. Then, nothing. He would respond to my text messages HOURS later and just say he was busy with school, now I went to college if I could update my facebook status I could respond to a text. The language in his texting also changed.
So like the woman I am, I called him out on it. He said "I'm so glad we met! We're gonna be such best friends!" <----------Terrible. Now to any guy who complains and says that they're only assholes because so many women put them in the friend zone, then let me tell you, I'm only a bitch because of all the guys that put me in the friend zone. Back to the subject at hand, anyways, it baffeled my mind! One day he's telling me I give him butterflies, I can come visit him whenever I want and stay in his dorm IN HIS BED WITH HIM no body tells that to someone they just like as a friend.
Honestly, I think he just wasn't attracted to me. Point blank. Of course I did say "If you're not attracted to me just tell me. Rather hear that then some BS lies." But did he come clean? NOPE! Then he felt offended because I didn't want to be his friend. Terrible. He really just wanted his cake and to eat it to huh?
Let me tell EVERYONE & ANYONE this, do NOT go on a dating site looking for friends. Why? Because it's a dating site and about 99% of the people there are looking for some thing more then friends. Wanna look for friends? Go on facebook, go anywhere in your city and you can easily make a friend like that lol.
I don't understand men. Really I don't.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
First Video!
It's just an introduction for what I'll be using my channel for. Also, why didn't anyone tell me it takes 5 hours to upload a video! What the hell!
http://youtu.be/mw9qHh0Ojnc
http://youtu.be/mw9qHh0Ojnc
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Now what?
I really wish I had some more to put down as far as advice and personal stories but I kind of don't. I deleted my POF profile for a few days after things went to hell with the last guy. I've been back on there though and no one's really caught my eye or attention, at least not for long. To be honest I can't stop thinking about the last guy, he's on my mind all day, and I have nothing negative to help him get off my mind. Life sucks...haha.
Anyways, I do have a bit of a horror story. I was online and someone asked to chat with me and I started to instant message this guy and he seemed nice, but you could tell he is just socially awkward. Within 24 hours he was asking me how much I liked him, how long it would take for us to become a couple, if I thought we would look good together as a couple. I felt bad for the guy, because he seems like a nice guy just lost or confused on how to get a girl. I tried to just talk to him but I had to tell him that he is just coming off desperate and needy and that, that isn't what anyone wants. Of course he stopped talking to me after that. Lol
So now I'm here, I'm sad, not depressed, I'm still tugging away and going on with my life, but I can't get that guy out of my head. I really screwed that one up.
So yeah...Now I'm just kind of lost and confused, I want to pick up the phone and call the guy or text him but I know I shouldn't. I just have this hope that maybe he's thinking about me too, maybe he wants to call me. Then again, if he did he would wouldn't he?
Anyways, I do have a bit of a horror story. I was online and someone asked to chat with me and I started to instant message this guy and he seemed nice, but you could tell he is just socially awkward. Within 24 hours he was asking me how much I liked him, how long it would take for us to become a couple, if I thought we would look good together as a couple. I felt bad for the guy, because he seems like a nice guy just lost or confused on how to get a girl. I tried to just talk to him but I had to tell him that he is just coming off desperate and needy and that, that isn't what anyone wants. Of course he stopped talking to me after that. Lol
So now I'm here, I'm sad, not depressed, I'm still tugging away and going on with my life, but I can't get that guy out of my head. I really screwed that one up.
So yeah...Now I'm just kind of lost and confused, I want to pick up the phone and call the guy or text him but I know I shouldn't. I just have this hope that maybe he's thinking about me too, maybe he wants to call me. Then again, if he did he would wouldn't he?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Just wants to be friends
So things with (lets call him Chris because I don't want to use his real name with out his consent) *Chris, didn't end the way most people would want. It was definitely one of my most mature endings to anything, so that's good. But he just wants to be friends 'for the time being' whatever that means.
I had let my head get to me about things, and I thought he was sending mixed signals, so I told him, I didn't get mad or get in a fight just sent him a text telling him I didn't like that he was sending mixed signals. He didn't react mad he was a little upset because he didn't think he was sending mixed signals and he apologized for it and told me that he's just been really busy with work, and the holidays etc.
Later that night I sent him a huge text telling him & explaining to him all the bullshit I have been through with most guys that I 'dated' and how it all affected me and how, especially with me ex, I have this wall up and am so apprehensive about guys and if they're being honest or not.
It sucks the way that works. You meet someone you like, then they treat you like shit, then if you meet someone who's worth the risk & who is being honest & truthful, you can't believe it.
To be honest I don't know how to take the whole thing. Chris & I haven't talked about what happened since it happened. Yet he didn't totally blow me off like "This just isn't gonna work" what he said was "I want to be friends for the time being, at least until I get to know you better." So...I don't know how to take it. Complete totally rejection? Stuck in the friendzone? It doesn't help that my head keeps thinking about it and I just keep analyzing the whole thing. I did tell him that I wasn't sure if I could be his friend, because the last thing I wanted was to keep getting to know him & have my feelings get stronger or increase and then I'm stuck in the friendzone. He didn't respond to that so, who knows what he's thinking.
I almost wish things ended in a immature way and we fought and I can say he's a jerk, because then I wouldn't feel as crummy as I do. I feel sad, and cheated, and hurt by it all. I feel sad because I saw potential with this one, we had such a natural chemistry, that it just flowed, and I liked that. When we were hanging out all I wanted to do was to kiss him, or hold his hand and what not, but I hadn't known him long enough so I didn't just want to show the world our affection or whatever.
Part of me feels like I shouldn't feel this way because I only knew him for 2 weeks, but the disappointment is still there and any form of rejection is never good. Then again, I don't even know if it's really 'over' it probably is and I'm just holding on to whatever hope I have.
Anyways, I'm taking a bit of a break from the internet dating. This time around *Chris was the only one that caught my eye. Every one else seemed, too desperate, too needy, or just an overall douche.
Hopefully, I'll get out of this funk, but I still want to talk to him and see him, and I'm just a little upset and mad at myself really.
It'd be so much easier if he was just another douche.
I had let my head get to me about things, and I thought he was sending mixed signals, so I told him, I didn't get mad or get in a fight just sent him a text telling him I didn't like that he was sending mixed signals. He didn't react mad he was a little upset because he didn't think he was sending mixed signals and he apologized for it and told me that he's just been really busy with work, and the holidays etc.
Later that night I sent him a huge text telling him & explaining to him all the bullshit I have been through with most guys that I 'dated' and how it all affected me and how, especially with me ex, I have this wall up and am so apprehensive about guys and if they're being honest or not.
It sucks the way that works. You meet someone you like, then they treat you like shit, then if you meet someone who's worth the risk & who is being honest & truthful, you can't believe it.
To be honest I don't know how to take the whole thing. Chris & I haven't talked about what happened since it happened. Yet he didn't totally blow me off like "This just isn't gonna work" what he said was "I want to be friends for the time being, at least until I get to know you better." So...I don't know how to take it. Complete totally rejection? Stuck in the friendzone? It doesn't help that my head keeps thinking about it and I just keep analyzing the whole thing. I did tell him that I wasn't sure if I could be his friend, because the last thing I wanted was to keep getting to know him & have my feelings get stronger or increase and then I'm stuck in the friendzone. He didn't respond to that so, who knows what he's thinking.
I almost wish things ended in a immature way and we fought and I can say he's a jerk, because then I wouldn't feel as crummy as I do. I feel sad, and cheated, and hurt by it all. I feel sad because I saw potential with this one, we had such a natural chemistry, that it just flowed, and I liked that. When we were hanging out all I wanted to do was to kiss him, or hold his hand and what not, but I hadn't known him long enough so I didn't just want to show the world our affection or whatever.
Part of me feels like I shouldn't feel this way because I only knew him for 2 weeks, but the disappointment is still there and any form of rejection is never good. Then again, I don't even know if it's really 'over' it probably is and I'm just holding on to whatever hope I have.
Anyways, I'm taking a bit of a break from the internet dating. This time around *Chris was the only one that caught my eye. Every one else seemed, too desperate, too needy, or just an overall douche.
Hopefully, I'll get out of this funk, but I still want to talk to him and see him, and I'm just a little upset and mad at myself really.
It'd be so much easier if he was just another douche.
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