Recently, I've been talking to someone new. We started exchanging messages about 2 months ago online. After about a week we exchanged numbers, then facebook, and finally got to meet for the first time about three weeks ago.
But...I don't feel as happy as I was at first.
Let me explain. He's a nice guy, he always says the sweetest things, and frankly, I feel like it's all really genuine. He makes me smile, makes my stomach flip all that good stuff. But there are things that I don't like..
For one, I can't post on his facebook. He tells me it's because we should keep all the mushy stuff till we're official. Next thing, he's a virgin, I know we all were once but it really makes me nervous. Not because I think "Oh the sex is going to be bad" but because I'm scared. What if I don't meet HIS standards or meet HIS expectations? Am I worthy of being HIS first? I just don't want to hurt him or let him down. It's really a lot of pressure. He also lives an hour away. I know it's not that far but it does make things difficult. Everything has to be planned ahead of time. I can't just go over and watch a movie after work because my plans fell through. The other thing is he is two years younger then I am, yes, age is just a number but he is inexperienced. How do I know this? Hm, well for one he didn't really think it was a big deal when our plans to see each other kept falling through. Why was it a big deal to me? Well, because after the third "Oh something came up" I begin to think he doesn't want to see me. Also...everything is going so much slower. We've been talking since March, it's May now, and we've seen each other...twice? Lol Usually at this time he would've been my boyfriend already but...we'll see.
Now he hasn't been the only one I've been 'talking' to.
Roscoe has been in communication with me. Now, I like him and in another world or at another time we would be great together but right now I don't think it would work. He tells me he isn't in a place in his life to have a relationship right now but if he was I'd be his girlfriend. Of course, with that being said that doesn't mean he's against us having a sexual relationship Lol, yet he's told me that he'd be commited to me if we decided to just having sex. The way I see it is that he wants his cake and to eat it to. I also think that if we just had sex and talked, etc that when he is ready for a relationship he'll think "what's the point?" because he'd already have all of the good things from a relationship without the title, so there's nothing he has to work for. Like I said, in another world or at a different time we would be good together, but right now he just needs to work on himself. It does make me a little sad too. I really did like him a lot.
My ex boyfriend also came around. He was going through a lot and came to me for comfort and we got a little too comfortable. He told me he loved me but that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He just became 'facebook official' with some girl he never told me about, a couple days ago. Haha, so much for love right?
With all that's gone on though, I feel jealous and upset with my ex. I had feelings for him, I still do, and told him and expressed that I was afraid, afraid to trust him with my 'heart' because of how things played out. Because he always seems to come to me when he 'needs' someone and when 'no one' is around yet when someone else comes around he forgets about me.
I guess it hurts because that's all i've ever been for most guys. Their second choice, their friend, their back bone. I know, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sad. Sad because someone who says that they 'love' me, really doesn't and throws me to the side, someone who tells me they care about me, really only wants one thing, and someone who says all the right things, wants to hide me.
I want someone who's happy to have me, who doesn't throw around 'love', who is proud to have me on his arm, and isn't ashamed or embarressed by me.
I know that all that I've been through and everything that's happened to me is just to make me stronger but sometimes, I just wonder when it's going to stop, when will get a break from having to me strong and just have things be good. I just wanna be happy.
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