It's been awhile since I posted an update so I thought it was time to let people know what's happening, or just write my thoughts out lol. My boyfriend and I are still together, for now. Things have been hard. He moved to Iowa so he's about 3 hrs away now. I haven't seen him since he left in July. We text just about every day and there's an occasional phone call here and there but we don't really talk it's more like small talk to pass the time. When ever we do have an actually conversation it's usually when we feel like we should break up or well when I feel like we should because he never seems to show any feelings. He tells me he loves me and that he misses me but after I do of course.
I was so happy and now, I doubt everything and all those 'small' things that bothered me bother me even more now.
Now it isn't anything dumb like the way he chews it's stuff like why haven't I met his parents? Why is our relationship almost a secret? Why can't I drive to his hometown to meet halfways? Why can't we seem to have an easy flowing conversation?
To be honest, I feel like I don't really know him. I know a few things but I feel like after dating for over a year I should know way more. I should know what movie he likes to watch when he isn't feeling well, all those embarrassing kid stories but honestly I don't. I mean I try whenever I see him or talk on the phone I'll ask questions and he's just like eh or I spend the whole time talking about myself or anything else. When we talk on the phone it's almost silent because I don't want to bore him and talk too much and he just replies with one word answers. It shouldn't be like this. I mean the 'I'm shy' excuse isn't an excuse anymore. So what am I doing?
I do care about him I do love him but I want to be able to talk to him, say anything and have it be okay and if there is silence it's comfortable. That's how I know someone really is my friend, when the silence is comfortable it's not this awkward silence that you're dying to fill with any noise that you say the first thing that comes out of your mouth. I guess that's one of the reasons I'd rather stay in when he vists so we're not this awkward couple that has nothing to say to each other anymore.
Is that a stupid reason to break up?
Probably not.
We do have chemistry but it doesn't seem to be that natural spark that comes on when we see each other it's like we're that gas stove that clicks, clicks when you try to turn on the flam but have to find a match to ignite it.
You know with my old high school ex, we may have not been a good match or what ever but we have chemistry when we get together or talk on the phone, it's like nothing has changed we can talk for hours about anything. Is that too much to ask for? To have that with someone?
Now even with some friends it's not like that. You have to work at the conversation but it's okay, of course, I'm not dating them.
I love my boyfriend because he treated me like a human being from the beginning and when he started to like me he said all the things every woman should hear and yeah we talked about a bunch of stuff, just through text. Now nothing. It's frustrating. I guess I can see why people cheat.
They're so settled in their relationships that they're looking for that spark, that excitement of dating someone new, how much you look forward to seeing them or talking to them, those butterflies but they love their partner too.
Dont cheat though, no one wins.
And no, I'm not cheating and don't plan to
I currently have one foot in and one foot out. Preparing for the worse.
I guess it's over right?
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