I should be happy...? Right?

Recently, I've been talking to someone new. We started exchanging messages about 2 months ago online. After about a week we exchanged numbers, then facebook, and finally got to meet for the first time about three weeks ago.

But...I don't feel as happy as I was at first.

Let me explain. He's a nice guy, he always says the sweetest things, and frankly, I feel like it's all really genuine. He makes me smile, makes my stomach flip all that good stuff. But there are things that I don't like..

For one, I can't post on his facebook. He tells me it's because we should keep all the mushy stuff till we're official. Next thing, he's a virgin, I know we all were once but it really makes me nervous. Not because I think "Oh the sex is going to be bad" but because I'm scared. What if I don't meet HIS standards or meet HIS expectations? Am I worthy of being HIS first? I just don't want to hurt him or let him down. It's really a lot of pressure. He also lives an hour away. I know it's not that far but it does make things difficult. Everything has to be planned ahead of time. I can't just go over and watch a movie after work because my plans fell through. The other thing is he is two years younger then I am, yes, age is just a number but he is inexperienced. How do I know this? Hm, well for one he didn't really think it was a big deal when our plans to see each other kept falling through. Why was it a big deal to me? Well, because after the third "Oh something came up" I begin to think he doesn't want to see me. Also...everything is going so much slower. We've been talking since March, it's May now, and we've seen each other...twice? Lol Usually at this time he would've been my boyfriend already but...we'll see.

Now he hasn't been the only one I've been 'talking' to.

Roscoe has been in communication with me. Now, I like him and in another world or at another time we would be great together but right now I don't think it would work. He tells me he isn't in a place in his life to have a relationship right now but if he was I'd be his girlfriend. Of course, with that being said that doesn't mean he's against us having a sexual relationship Lol, yet he's told me that he'd be commited to me if we decided to just having sex. The way I see it is that he wants his cake and to eat it to. I also think that if we just had sex and talked, etc that when he is ready for a relationship he'll think "what's the point?" because he'd already have all of the good things from a relationship without the title, so there's nothing he has to work for. Like I said, in another world or at a different time we would be good together, but right now he just needs to work on himself. It does make me a little sad too. I really did like him a lot.

My ex boyfriend also came around. He was going through a lot and came to me for comfort and we got a little too comfortable. He told me he loved me but that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He just became 'facebook official' with some girl he never told me about, a couple days ago. Haha, so much for love right?

With all that's gone on though, I feel jealous and upset with my ex. I had feelings for him, I still do, and told him and expressed that I was afraid, afraid to trust him with my 'heart' because of how things played out. Because he always seems to come to me when he 'needs' someone and when 'no one' is around yet when someone else comes around he forgets about me.

I guess it hurts because that's all i've ever been for most guys. Their second choice, their friend, their back bone. I know, i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm just sad. Sad because someone who says that they 'love' me, really doesn't and throws me to the side, someone who tells me they care about me, really only wants one thing, and someone who says all the right things, wants to hide me.

I want someone who's happy to have me, who doesn't throw around 'love', who is proud to have me on his arm, and isn't ashamed or embarressed by me.

I know that all that I've been through and everything that's happened to me is just to make me stronger but sometimes, I just wonder when it's going to stop, when will get a break from having to me strong and just have things be good. I just wanna be happy.

"So...you're on a date?"

Well nothing really has happened. I did have a date with a guy in early Feb and last week while I was out with a friend I ran in to him....on a date. Haha! Seriously, this is the stuff you see in movies, but sometimes my life is eventful.

Of course, him & I weren't exclusive but what makes him a douche bag is the fact that he kept stringing me along instead of being upfront. In a sense, I was his back up, and he made it clear I was. He kept telling me he was interested in me and that he wanted to hang out but yet whenever I asked him he would be busy and he never asked me to hang out. So to hell with that guy.

Roscoe and I got together again for a short reunion (I think I called him "Chris" in my last blog?). Everything was going well then I opened my mouth again. It was something small and dumb, honestly we could've gotten over it but he just didn't want to work it out or even try. An excuse really but I think that he's really just afraid. Afraid to be in a relationship again and everything that comes with that. I miss him a great deal. I never seem to have anything bad to say about him, I think that's why he's also stuck with me. He isn't a bad guy. I can't wait around for him though.

Besides those two, nothing new has really happened. Oh wait I lied.

There was one guy I was talking to online and he was really nice and sweet, we had a ton in common and whenever we had the chance we'd go online to reply to the others message. Anyways, we exchanged numbers and he added me on facebook. Then, nothing. He would respond to my text messages HOURS later and just say he was busy with school, now I went to college if I could update my facebook status I could respond to a text. The language in his texting also changed.

So like the woman I am, I called him out on it. He said "I'm so glad we met! We're gonna be such best friends!" <----------Terrible. Now to any guy who complains and says that they're only assholes because so many women put them in the friend zone, then let me tell you, I'm only a bitch because of all the guys that put me in the friend zone. Back to the subject at hand, anyways, it baffeled my mind! One day he's telling me I give him butterflies, I can come visit him whenever I want and stay in his dorm IN HIS BED WITH HIM no body tells that to someone they just like as a friend.

Honestly, I think he just wasn't attracted to me. Point blank. Of course I did say "If you're not attracted to me just tell me. Rather hear that then some BS lies." But did he come clean? NOPE! Then he felt offended because I didn't want to be his friend. Terrible. He really just wanted his cake and to eat it to huh?

Let me tell EVERYONE & ANYONE this, do NOT go on a dating site looking for friends. Why? Because it's a dating site and about 99% of the people there are looking for some thing more then friends. Wanna look for friends? Go on facebook, go anywhere in your city and you can easily make a friend like that lol.

I don't understand men. Really I don't.

First Video!

It's just an introduction for what I'll be using my channel for. Also, why didn't anyone tell me it takes 5 hours to upload a video! What the hell!

http://youtu.be/mw9qHh0Ojnc

Now what?

I really wish I had some more to put down as far as advice and personal stories but I kind of don't. I deleted my POF profile for a few days after things went to hell with the last guy. I've been back on there though and no one's really caught my eye or attention, at least not for long. To be honest I can't stop thinking about the last guy, he's on my mind all day, and I have nothing negative to help him get off my mind. Life sucks...haha.

Anyways, I do have a bit of a horror story. I was online and someone asked to chat with me and I started to instant message this guy and he seemed nice, but you could tell he is just socially awkward. Within 24 hours he was asking me how much I liked him, how long it would take for us to become a couple, if I thought we would look good together as a couple. I felt bad for the guy, because he seems like a nice guy just lost or confused on how to get a girl. I tried to just talk to him but I had to tell him that he is just coming off desperate and needy and that, that isn't what anyone wants. Of course he stopped talking to me after that. Lol


So now I'm here, I'm sad, not depressed, I'm still tugging away and going on with my life, but I can't get that guy out of my head. I really screwed that one up.

So yeah...Now I'm just kind of lost and confused, I want to pick up the phone and call the guy or text him but I know I shouldn't. I just have this hope that maybe he's thinking about me too, maybe he wants to call me. Then again, if he did he would wouldn't he?